Saturday, November 4, 2006


I often, on my travels..

Honest Punter: You mean when you’re out boozing with your

True enough. However it doesn’t detract from the point of my
story, does it?

Honest punter: Sorry.

Thank you. As I was saying, I often, when out boozing with my

Honest Punter: Good Man!

..hear the anguished, drink-fuelled cry; “Why are Researchers so
f@$%g useless?” and “What is to be done with them?”

A conundrum indeed. A problem to which I myself once gave a
great deal of thought. Unfortunately even a mind as incisive and
lateral as mine (Two B’s a D and an unclassified in Liberal Studies
to prove it) could not find a solution.

Then the other day, while rooting through the attic, I came across
a dusty, flyblown copy of Mr Barton’s Book on Domestic

Clutching the tome, I retreated to my study and there, amongst the
potted palms and sun-yellowed copies of Campaign, I found the
solution to the aforesaid question.

For Chapter Three of Mr Barton’s excellent work is entitled no less;
“Researchers: The Use Of And Divers Suggestions To Wit”. It
contains several delightful ideas, but I found this one to be the most

“First of all, one must catch your Researcher. Once divested of its
garments lightly tenderise it all over with a wooden mallet purchased
especially for the purpose. Put to one side. Take the research
documents it was carrying and tear them into small fragments of
uniform shape and size. Place these into a bowl and steep for several
minutes in hot water mixed with a little flour. When cool pour the
mixture onto a lightly floured board and gently knead into a sausage
shape. Leave to set.

By now the Researcher may have begun to come round so,taking a
firm grip on the mallet, tenderise it a little more.

Then melt a good two or three pounds of petroleum wax in a very
large stainless steel bowl. (The best wax can be obtained from W. B.
Price in Battersea). Once the wax has melted, carefully place the
papier-mâché sausage into the bowl. Remove and place on a wire rack.
Next, pick up the Researcher and fold in two. Take hold of the waxed
sausage and insert it firmly into the Researcher’s rectal orifice. Then
dip the Buttocks into the rest of the melted wax”.

The result is a quite unique candle, providing an excellent talking point
for dinner party guests and proving once and for all that, despite what
everyone may say, it is possible for a Researcher to provide illumination.



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